Referee
by somehowunbroken
Summary: Evan wondered how he'd gotten roped into playing ref.


The whistle blew as the ball bounced out of bounds.

"Come on, Lorne," Sheppard's voice came from across the court. "That was a fair ball!"

"Foul," Evan replied mildly. "It crossed the line too early, Sheppard."

"_You_ crossed the line," Sheppard replied childishly.

Evan just glanced at his commanding officer and wondered, not for the first time, how he'd managed to get himself roped into playing referee. Sheppard had organized a citywide tournament of what he was calling Ancient-ball, some sort of sport that he'd located in the database that the Ancients themselves had, apparently, created. It involved two small balls, a perfectly square court, three hoops of varying sizes, and four players on each of three teams. The rules had been explained to him, but Evan honestly still wasn't sure what was going on.

That didn't mean he was going to let an out-of-bounds call slide, though. "The ball bounced over the line, Sheppard," Evan said as the other man drew closer. "It didn't bounce four times inside before it crossed the line, so it's out of play."

"Three times," Sheppard corrected in an exaggerated tone of voice. "It only has to bounce three times in bounds."

Evan consulted his hastily assembled rulebook. "Two things," he said after a moment, looking up. "That is clearly a four in Ancient, and it only bounced twice in bounds anyway. Foul ball."

Sheppard frowned and cocked his head to the side. "You don't read Ancient."

Evan shook his head. "I can count to ten in fourteen languages," he said dryly, pointing to the number in question. "It's a four. Even if it were a three, you only bounced it twice."

"Looks like a two to me," Sheppard muttered.

"Don't make me report you, sir."

Teyla joined the conversation. "John, the ball did not bounce enough times."

Sheppard mock-glared at her. "Whose side are you on, anyway?"

Teyla smiled sweetly. "We are on the same team, John, but I would prefer to win fairly. If you would prefer to cheat, I can always arrange to be placed on another team."

Sheppard glared at Evan again before walking back to join Teyla, Ronon, and McKay. The teams for the game were mostly Gate teams or research teams; Evan had opted not to participate himself, since the two Marines on his Gate team were currently laid up with broken limbs and his scientist had chosen to play for the Botany team. Evan didn't mind not playing; the tournament clearly needed a referee, since Sheppard was apparently a cheater.

The fact didn't really surprise Evan.

Sheppard bowed his head as he neared his team, talking in a low tone. Evan saw Ronon nodding and glancing his way speculatively, while Teyla grinned and McKay laughed outright. Evan knew that unkind things were being said about him in that particular huddle and shrugged. The life of a ref was hard.

The game progressed well for about fifteen minutes, with Sheppard's team easily outplaying the Gate room teach team and AR-4. Major Teldy bounced a ball through one of the hoops, only to have it returned by Chuck (five bounces, extra points, Evan noted). Ronon blocked his shot at the last second, bouncing the ball to Sheppard, who turned and threw it with deadly accuracy through the other hoop.

Evan blew his whistle, and Sheppard glared at him. "You didn't even pretend to bounce it that time."

"Ronon bounced it," Sheppard pointed out. Evan dove into the rulebook again and shook his head.

"Doesn't count," he replied. He was reasonably sure that's what it said, anyway, and he was going to have to get the thing translated. Seriously, why had nobody thought of that before now?

"You're making this up!" Sheppard threw his hands in the air and stalked over to Evan, pointing threateningly in his face. "You have no idea what the real rules are!"

"Neither do you," Evan pointed out. "You don't read Ancient any better than I do."

"Sure I do," Sheppard challenged, yanking the rulebook from Evan's hands. "See, right here it says, 'team members can bounce the ball and have it count for the four-bounce rule.'"

"With all due respect, sir," Evan said, retrieving his rulebook, "you're absolutely making that up."

"You don't know that." Evan could practically hear the other man's desire to stick his tongue out. "You're a terrible ref, Lorne."

Evan nodded. "I may be a terrible ref, but I'm the only one you've got. I can disqualify your team."

"Hey!" he heard McKay call from the other side of the court. "Just because Sheppard's being obtuse doesn't mean you have to punish the rest of us!"

Sheppard narrowed his eyes. "Disqualify me and I'll make sure you get sent to the planet with those cow-hippo things for a year," he threatened.

"I make up the team rotation schedules."

"I'll stop doing my paperwork and make you do it."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "I do most of it anyway."

"I'll put Cadman on your team," Sheppard said, switching tactics. "You want another explosives-happy teammate, right?"

Evan shook his head. "She's needed on AR-5."

Sheppard threw his hands in the air. "What can I do to keep you from disqualifying us?"

Evan handed him the ball and made a shooing motion towards him, and Sheppard took a step back towards the court. "Just play fair," he called after Sheppard.

Sheppard smirked and tossed the ball into the air. Evan groaned.

"If you can, that is."


End file.
